published 2011
1. I wish I could wear rings and bracelets on my right hand
2. I wish I could aimlessly click around the internet without getting shooting electrical pains throughout my hand and wrist after only a few minutes
3. I wish my right hand's nails would not peel, crack, split, and hurt
4. I wish the skin on my right arm and hand would not dry out at the merest hint of daily activities
5. I wish I could go to concerts without sticking my left elbow in front of me to protect my body, thus drawing weird stares and dirty looks
6. I wish I didn't feel like I have to explain why I'm sticking my left elbow out... "I'm sorry, I have a chronic pain condition so it hurts to be bumped."
7. I wish I didn't need to be so afraid of change
8. I wish the most painful spots on my arm and hands would not itch incessantly so that I can't ever get relief from either the pain or the itchiness
9. I wish I didn't worry about getting into a car accident and needing emergency surgery and the surgeon not knowing (s)he needs to completely put my arm to sleep to prevent RSD from spreading to my full body instead of falling asleep at night
10. I wish I could fall asleep at night easily rather than lying awake, tossing and turning, moving my arm from pillow to pillow and trying to tolerate covers because it hurts my arm to be cold
11. I wish the cool summer breeze didn't literally make my fingers curl because of the pain it causes when it brushes past me
12. I wish I could go into the refrigerator and grab a soda, then hold it in my right hand without causing pain.
13. I wish I could wash my hands without needing to run the faucet for 3 minutes to ensure it's warm so that the icy water won't cause my hand to freeze over
14. I wish all public restrooms had paper towels because the blow dryers hurt my hand
15. I wish my right arm were not so hairy... RSD has made it into a gorilla - I'm convinced!
16. I wish I could give tight hugs without secretly wincing
17. I wish I could stop my friends and family from worrying about me
18. I wish washing and then combing my hair didn't hurt like hell
19. I wish I could just brush my teeth using an electric toothbrush, but if I don't "use it" (i.e. use my muscles and manually brush my damn teeth) I will "lose it" (atrophy would set in - obviously not just from me having an electric toothbrush, but if I generally start taking "the easy way out")
20. I wish I could help my friends and family with RSD who hurt even more than me in a tangible way rather than simply extending support
21. I wish I could sling my purse over my shoulder without it sliding down to my elbow and making me squeal out in pain
22. I wish I could open my car door with my right hand
23. I wish I didn't have to spend at least an hour each day stretching my nerves out over and over in a vain attempt to make them stop twanging (although good stretches do lessen the twang over a long period of time)
24. I wish typing this list didn't hurt the pads of my fingers
25. I wish there were an actual cure instead of a myriad of treatments that only can reduce your pain to a "manageable" level, because before I got RSD I was under the impression that being in constant pain wasn't manageable at all. Now that I have an intractable pain condition I realize that I led a fairly charmed life pre-diagnosis...
....but though it took me approximately ten minutes to think of twenty-five wishes which will never come true, I'm glad I'm strong enough to admit that I am not satisfied with my physical condition. If I couldn't admit that, then I wouldn't be strong enough to go on and live each day with the knowledge that I will hurt - in fact, sometimes I will do things I know will hurt in order to reap long-term benefits. My ability to face, though still somewhat reluctantly, each of these unfullfillable wishes also enables me to realize wishes I can make true, and I am positive that:
1. I make a difference in RSDers/CRPSers lives through many online and face-to-face venues
2. I inspire people without RSD/CRPS to face their fears and celebrate their gifts
And really, that's all I've ever wanted... and I've done a much better job of making a difference and inspiring those around me since I've been able to admit living with RSD/CRPS is no damn fun. Despite the constant hell in my mind - for at least ten percent of my brain is actively focused on the pain I'm experiencing at any given moment, even while I dream (my dreams often consist of violent experiences such as getting my entire arm crushed by slabs of buildings falling on me during an earthquake or being nailed to a wall, one screw at a time) - an even larger portion of my brain is focused on using my experiences in a positive way.
It's not all sunshine and rainbows, but at the same time it's not all doom and gloom either. As I say to each newly diagnosed RSDer/CRPSer I speak with - "Your life isn't OVER - it's just different. You will have to make changes and accommodations for this new life. But you'll be so much more appreciative for your life and your opportunities, and that's the thing you've got to focus on, or this thing will beat you. Your attitude truly makes all the difference."
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